What exactly did happen.Something is definitely missing but showing my blog to her changed the things forever(atleast temporarily).May be I should had thought about this once before showing my feelings for her.I definitely feel like hell but what can I do.
She is doing what she can do.
U do what U can do(can do nothing but loving her as usual).

I really don't know what is happening

Really,I am worried about something.She says that it cannot happen.How it would be when someone who U loved the most don't want U.I thought I am a positive person.But I don't know what had happened to me.Sometimes I feel what am I doing,for what am I doing ??
I love a girl so much and that girl don't want me.One life,one love.
I dedicated my life to her and I don't even know if there would be someone like me who can do that.
I don't feel like giving up.But I feel so much pressure.
Always I feel something is missing,but I can never figure out what is missing.Hard thing is I am not even able to think.
What is the thing that is lacking ?
I am not the way I was.
Nothing effects my mind.Nothing can even make a small difference to my mind.
But a small thing from her will effect it too much.
Only coz,I am mad about her.
Even before I couldn't realize,its like she is my life.
She wants me to get out of her life,when I feel she is my life.
What is my life without her.
I wish I could explain it to her.Or,she understands how much I love her and what she means to me.
I love U to the core.
I don't know if U can trust me or not,but I trust U blindly.
I wish a day comes when U love me like I love U.I don't know if it happens or not,but it is the only hope that drives me in my life.
U are my everything.U are the idea behind all my actions.U are the cause behind all my consequences.
U are the Princess of my Dreams.
Love You Forever ...........

Just look at yourself

I don't even understand what the fuck am I doing daily.
Thanks to google.I can use all my vulgar words in a package atleast I can type it for myself.
What the fuck am I fucking.
But it is not important.
Yes,wat should U do.
Omg,wat is happening.Things keep on changing for every second and not in control how they are changing.
I din even observe a pattern about them.
Ya,this philosophy shit is soo nice.
Come on AP,U can continue with it.
Its interesting.....

Illusions and dreamz

Finally I 'proposed' her.I know what made me do so.It was not much like proposal.It was like I knew what is happening,I presumed what would happen and so I thought to move on.But,things are not the same.Not the same means,not exactly what I had imagined.She was shocked in the first place.But,she was so cool and patient.I know she has a problem.I can guess what it is.May be she don't want to hurt her parents by doing this silly thing.I don't have any plan to hurt anyone.If we are clear,we could make it easy and perfect.The next day,it was fine.The night she messaged me.It was casual and discussion went on.But,after long conversations and wishing good night 4 times,I thought she was asleep n I don't know what had happened.I was just sleeping.But,the following morning I could see her message.It was also casual.I replied that I was sleeping when that message arrived n I thought she had already slept.But she didn't reply.May be she was busy or not.But,until now,I din get any reply from her.In the first place why do I expect.And hard part-I am not able to sleep now.All dreams about her.They seemed almost real.Illusions happened to take place of reality.It was the 2nd time the feeling happened after some days.
I don't know if there is a solution to the problem or it is gonna remain like the unsolved mysteries of my life.
I regretted daily for not happened to do all these things while we were in same class.Or,even there may be a solution,but a hard one.Sometimes,we need to choose what is best,even if it is hard to choose.
P.S.-I think I love her

'Farewell' my love

This time,I don't want to write this.I don't feel any better.But I have to do something.Tried Fbing,its shit.
Nothing can work now.
The girl. What the fuck is happening in my life. She has been with me in my class since 4 yrs and I din do anything or thought much about her. Did the 'farewell' thing make this up ??
God knows the answer as he is playing this. I mean,when everything is perfect including the girl,its the time like I have to leave her for nothing.
Just think once again. Is it better to do or not.
Ok,dont think. What the fuck is happening. U just don't have to feel much buddy.
There is a chance. When the only option is to give it up,then think of these situations.
U like this girl n U don't have to leave it like that. U play it from Ur side.
Nothing is gonna bother.
Just think. There is nothing to get worried too much.
Just trust Urself n rest would follow.
Final thing-something is wrong coz U had done some wrong. U did that wrong thing in the wrong context. Don't try to relate independent events.
Now,U can do this. No one are gonna stop U.
Yes AP,U have choice !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How it all started

Me and my friend(Neeraj) just got promoted to a top section in 10th standard.This is the only way we could prove ourselves.I am more concerned with studies and I used to thing that talking with girls is a sin.Somewhy I can't change the feeling.Also,I din even thought to change it.I was quite comfortable.Neeraj told me-"See that girl.She is really beautiful".I replied-"Don't feel excited man.There's nothing in her.She don't look beautiful.Infact she is somewhat weird".But he kept on saying the same thing.Some days passed and I dunno what happened. WOW !!! She is really beautiful.I didn't search for any reason.I thought that because he is continuously talking about her and I constantly see her,I feel so.But nothing worried me then.In-fact,I went on with my studies.It was the most serious time.My board exams.Everyone serious about it.But I was more serious about the girl.This is the time I see her more constantly.There would be no one in the campus and hardly 20 members or so.She stayed in campus after exam and I just went home and came back.I was seeeing her regularly.She is really awesome.But I never thought of talking to a girl in my life.It was totally out of range.I just put on a love song in my tape recorder and just dream about her.
Actually,the most hardest thing that worried me was to conceal the fact that I like her.Otherwise,it can spread throughout the campus and my PD sir may know it and they will punish me definitely and the most worst thing is that they can inform to my parents.I tried as hard as I can to conceal my feelings.But I couldn't.I revealed up myself in front of my most trusted friend,Neeraj.He encouraged me and I used to share my feelings about her with him.He is a real nice guy and most trusted friend.Although he liked her,he just encouraged me.
But the exams are getting over.Its really hard.I can't see her anymore.Her house is somewhere.I know the name of that place,but I never knew any other place except my home.There's nothing that I can do.I used to just turn on the same tape recorder and now put on some sad songs and cry out like anything.I used to do that in the nights.psst... She is completely gone.I'm interested in nothing.My dad joined me for IIT crash course so as to get admission into a famous local institute for coaching in IIT.I never wanted to go anywhere else and do anything.I just want that girl.But my friend used to come along with me.By force or something else,I used to go there everyday.I hardly remember those days.Nothing was interesting for me.
The coaching part was completed and it was time,for some tests.Those tests were conducted by various IIT coaching institutions to take students in.I wrote 3-4 tests.The day,I got some test and I just went to the test center.My uncle just dropped me there and told me not to get tensed as I'm tensed normally and he went away after some time.I was just standing outside the center looking on the road and vehicles.I was still thinking about the same girl.Just then a miracle happened.I just turned my head towards test center main building and I could see her along with her father.May be she came to write the test(There can be no other reason other than that).I was happy for some seconds.I just found out a place for to hide myself and so that I can see her.This can be more dangerous coz her father is along with her and I need to be more careful.Then they called everybody in for the test.I went just past her so that she can see me.Then the test started and I could write nothing.I managed to complete it and came out.Waited for a long time.She was not there any more.Same situation.There's nothing I can do.The night I went home,turned on my tape recorder and heard some sad love songs so that I could cry out and nothing is left in my eyes or in my heart.
In between,the 10th class results were announced and she is among school toppers and I proved my uniqueness and I'm the only guy who got 100% marks in both maths and science(State 1st and 2nd rank candidates were from my class).But the sad news is that Neeraj got less marks.Mixed feelings.I was very sorry about him.But he was very happy for me.That's called friendship.Me and Neeraj joined different colleges in intermediate and I was going to college in an shared auto(I don't remember the auto number) and I just saw a girl in a next auto and I just thought in my mind."Come on man.Its time to change.No more girls.U have lost enough in Ur life.Just concentrate on studies".I felt comfortable with myself and I just went to the college and I went to office room to know where my class room was located. SURPRISE !!!!!  The girl once more.The same girl with her father.The same girl whom I thought is lost forever.And the most exciting thing was,she came to the same classroom where I was seated.Wow !!! Its really fantastic.We are again class mates.The only thing that went through my mind-"God Is Great" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!